it's hard...and scary... and I don't want it to stop. ever.

This past week has been extra hard being a mama for some reason. But even at its hardest, I totally realize that one day I would give anything to relive today. So, I try to take comfort in that- even when Holland is breaking out in random high pitched screams and Talin cries the second I put him down even if I been holding him for x amount of time. But, I love them so...

And Talin scares the crap out me. Seriously. I don't recall every being overly scared about Holland choking at this age. And she didn't. She might have gagged here and there, but nothing to make your heart stop. This baby scares me so much. I am so entirely thankful for everyday with him because sometimes I don't even want to think about what my life would be like if I just wasn't watching him for 5 minutes...

He chokes all the time. I do not even give him food choking hazzards as I know that he can't handle it, but he manages to find something. Yesterday, he was in full sight and playing around while I folded clothes. I see his eyes get big, his face get red, no sound comes out and instantly I know what is going on. I run over to him, start swooping his throat passage like I am used to by now. I can't feel anything! I panic and seriously let out a wail. Such a scary feeling. Then he lets out a cry. So, I feel relief that maybe it worked its way down, whatever the culprit was... Then, he can't breathe again. I just frantically start swooping his throat again, and feel something adhered to his esophogus. I manage to get it out- one of the little tabs that sticks to a bandaid. (Holland is totally addicted to bandaids, so not surprising, but I had no idea that was around...) It was such a horrible,horrible feeling. I am beyond thankful to have my baby boy sleeping so sweetly right next to me. But, what if I didn't feel that? I just don't even want to think about it. And sometimes I seriously think I should just keep him in a little bubble for the next year.